Five Ways to Stop Bullying in the Workplace (and Beyond)
“We’ve been getting complaints that Jacob is being a bully.”
“Rita has been condescending and critical lately.”
“Jamal’s feedback was aggressive and harsh, I feel like he was being too assertive.”
Have you ever had to deal with a statements like that in your office?
Maybe someone has been described as being “too direct” or “too honest.” Perhaps you’ve noticed someone raising their voice, slamming things, or even name calling.
Bully behavior like this can manifest in many ways. It can also come from people at any level in a company.
While this type of behavior can be extremely harmful and is prone to escalation, there are ways to stop it in its tracks and turn it into something more productive.
Here are five tips on dealing with bullying in the workplace.
#1: Understand the birthplace of bully behavior
Like many learned behaviors, bully behavior usually starts in childhood.
When a caregiver says something like “you’re stupid,”or “why did you do that?” or “what were you thinking?” it causes a child to become shame prone.
Shame prone is when someone develops a higher propensity toward thinking they are flawed, broken, unworthy, or unloveable. It expresses itself in self talk as well as how someone talks about themselves with others.
In order to navigate the pain of shame some people begin to use shame to fight their shame. Meaning they start doing or saying things that chip away at other people’s sense of worth, value, and sense of belonging. It’s their way of disconnecting from the pain.
In other words, when people experience the emotion of shame or are shame prone, bully behavior can be a natural side effect.
Hurt people, hurt people.
“When we’re hurting, either full of shame or even just feeling the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others.”
Why is understanding this helpful?
For me, this insight helps me respond to the behavior rather than to the person.
Knowing the person is hurting helps me cultivate compassion for them.
This doesn’t mean you should respond to bully behavior by saying things like “you must be feeling shame” or “you feel bad about yourself don’t you?”
It also doesn’t mean we should accept or tolerate the behavior.
It’s possible to address bully behavior in a way that fosters accountability and promotes behavior change. Keep reading.
#2: Set boundaries
Setting boundaries is important because it lets people know what’s okay and not okay. For example, that it’s ok to have feelings but it’s not ok to behave in a certain way.
In order to set a boundary, you need to identify and communicate what’s okay and what’s not okay. I recommend using specific and behavior-based language. Let’s elaborate.
Formula for setting boundaries
It’s ok to [insert feeling someone may be experiencing].
It’s not ok to [insert unproductive and hurtful behavior].
Here are some examples:
It’s okay to be frustrated. It’s not okay to call people names.
It’s okay to disagree with so and so. It’s not okay to raise your voice.
It’s okay to be upset about a decision. It’s not okay to walk out and slam the door.
It’s okay to point out hurtful behavior. It’s not ok to refer to someone as a bully.
Tips for making boundaries clearer:
One of the concepts we teach in Dare to Lead™ is “clear is kind.” Setting boundaries using specific and behavior-based language is way clearer than saying “be nicer” or “don’t be a bully.”
Boundaries must be behavior-based
Always set the boundary around a behavior that was exhibited. Don’t use a personality trait. For example, don’t say “It’s ok to be upset sometimes but it’s not ok that you’re always mean.”
Break boundaries down into specific, observable behavior
Ask yourself: “If I communicated this boundary to complete strangers, would they understand what the boundary meant?” If the answer isn’t “yes,” keep working until you can get it to a place where there’s no room for misinterpretation.
Don’t be vague or abstractive
For example, saying “it’s ok to be professional but it’s not ok to be unprofessional” isn’t very helpful because “professional” and “unprofessional” mean a lot of different things to different people.
The importance of language:
When you name call, you are shaming. Anytime you attach a negative word to someone, their character, or personality, it’s shame-based feedback.
By focusing on behavior instead of personality or qualities, you break the cycle learned in childhood and instead invite a new perspective and create room for growth.
Suddenly, there’s opportunity for change.
This is not only more productive in the workplace, but has the potential to stop the behavior in its tracks.
#3: Make sure feedback is received appropriately
The thing about life is that there are no guarantees.
The same goes for giving feedback.
You could give perfect, behavior-based feedback with no intention of hurting or shaming someone and you could end up triggering a shame storm.
That’s why when giving feedback, it’s important to watch the person you’re talking to. If anything seems off, stop and check in.
Simply say “Hey, let me check in with you. How are you receiving what I’m saying?”
If the response is “I’m a horrible person… I’m a shitty boss…”
Call a timeout and clarify.
In this instance, the person getting feedback is experiencing shame.
Make it clear what you’re saying and what you’re NOT saying. Point out that there are some behaviors that need work but that doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. This is an examination of actions, not a persecution of character.
Help them reframe so they recognize that they are a good person but may need to make some changes to how they’re showing up.
If the response is “Aw man, I feel bad that I did that… I feel horrible about how I’ve been behaving…”
That’s guilt talk.
Guilt talk has been positively correlated with behavior change. It indicates that someone recognizes their behavior as negative and doesn’t want to repeat it.
They’re on the right track.
#4: Use empathy to stop bully behavior
The antidote to shame is empathy.
In our Daring Greatly™ retreat and Dare to Lead™ program we discuss putting shame in a petri dish with judgment and watching it grow exponentially. However, if you take the same petri dish and douse it with empathy, shame can’t survive.
When someone is engaging in bully behavior, rather than shaming them, being able to empathize and say “Hey, I get what it’s like to be frustrated, angry, or annoyed” goes a long way.
Making sure the person feels seen and heard is a much more effective way to respond to someone engaging in bully behavior.
If, on the other hand, you respond by shaming or putting someone down, you create a vicious cycle. It’s not only ineffective in terms of getting the behavior to stop, it’s like preaching no violence and then punching someone for punching someone else - it just leads to more violence.
Responding with empathy and following it up with appropriate boundary setting is a more effective and sustainable way of dealing with bully behavior.
#5: Foster behavior change
There are predictable ways that behavior changes and methods to ensure that it is successful.
Start by setting clear goals and expectations.
The goal should be clear and the expectation of how to get there should be succinctly laid out. Being aligned and on the same page sets you up for success.
Understand where the person is starting.
Recognize that if the behavioral change is a stretch, the person may need more support and direction. On the other hand, if the change is more attainable, and they feel energized and relatively self assured, they may need less.
Provide support and direction.
Staying in touch to remain accountable is the only way to ensure a behavioral change is taking place. It also is a great opportunity to step in if things are getting off-track.
Celebrate the changes.
Change is hard. It’s important to let people know when you recognize even the smallest amount of change in the right direction. Once the behavior has changed consistently, have a wrap-up conversation to talk about the wins and what was learned during the process.
Conclusion: 5 Ways to Stop Bullying in the Workplace
You can eliminate bully behavior by understanding where it comes from, setting boundaries, making sure feedback is received appropriately, being empathetic, and fostering behavioral change.
These elements help keep bully behaviors at bay by giving people different ways to interact and engage with each other. It also creates clarity and awareness about the impact of our words and actions.
Now, when someone says “we’ve been getting complaints that Jacob is being a bully,” you’ll know how to start addressing the problem.
Are you noticing bully behavior in your workplace? Are you ready to replace that with positive interactions and healthy relationships? Schedule a time to chat with us about how we can help.