Meet Your Inner Team
In Part 1, we explored the experience of vulnerability and how our automatic pursuit of relief can pull us out of integrity before we even realize what's happening. [Read Part 1 →]
So, what exactly is happening within us when vulnerability shows up?
Have you ever walked away from a conversation and wondered, Why did I say that?
Or found yourself getting defensive when someone offered feedback?
Saying yes when you really wanted to say no?
Avoiding a conversation you knew you needed to have?
Or working twice as hard to prove yourself?
Welcome to your Inner Team.
We All Have Parts
Dr. Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed a model based on the idea that we all have different parts of ourselves.
Parts that think, feel, and behave in different ways.
There's the people pleaser.
The perfectionist.
The critic.
The controller.
The avoider.
The fixer.
The part that wants to be right.
The part that would rather disappear than risk being seen.
And others.
I call these parts our Inner Team.
And just like the people we lead at work, each member of our Inner Team has its own perspectives, concerns, motivations, and ways of getting things done.
Some parts work proactively to prevent uncomfortable experiences.
Others jump into action when we're already experiencing vulnerability and want relief.
They've developed strategies to protect us.
And sometimes those strategies work.
At least in the short term.
Avoiding a conversation might spare us someone's disappointment.
Defending ourselves might protect us from feeling shame.
Saying yes might help us avoid a conflict.
But what brings relief in the moment doesn't always serve us in the long run.
Especially when it pulls us out of integrity.
Learning to Lead Our Inner Team
One of the central ideas in IFS is that beneath our parts, we have access to what Schwartz calls Self.
Self is characterized by qualities like curiosity, compassion, clarity, courage, calm, and confidence.
And from this place, we can develop a different relationship with our parts.
Rather than allowing our most reactive or protective parts to drive the bus, we can learn to lead them.
Schwartz calls this Self-leadership.
And here's where I see a powerful connection to leadership at work.
The skills required to lead our Inner Team are remarkably similar to the skills required to lead other people.
We need to listen.
Get curious.
Seek to understand.
Bring compassion rather than shame, criticism and judgement.
Build trust.
And create space for different perspectives without allowing any one of them to run the show.
The difference is that we're practicing these skills internally.
Before we can lead others well, we need to learn how to lead ourselves.
Curiosity Instead of Judgment
The invitation isn't to get rid of our protective parts.
Or shame ourselves for having them.
It's to get curious.
What part of me is showing up right now?
What is it trying to protect me from?
What does it believe might happen if it doesn't step in?
These questions help us move from judgment toward compassionate understanding.
And compassion matters.
Because when we make ourselves wrong for our reactions, we often activate even more protective energy.
We end up fighting ourselves.
Instead, we can recognize that our Inner Team is trying to help, even when its strategies aren't particularly helpful.
We can listen to our parts without automatically handing them the wheel.
We can acknowledge their concerns without allowing them to make every decision.
And we can create space to choose something different.
Awareness helps us recognize who's driving.
Compassion helps us understand what's going on.
Self-leadership helps us choose how to respond.
And that is how we begin to develop a more conscious relationship with vulnerability.
An Invitation to Reflect
Which members of your Inner Team tend to take the wheel when you're experiencing vulnerability?
What are they trying to protect you from?
And how might you lead them differently if you approached them with the same curiosity, compassion, and care you would offer someone you lead?