What If We Stopped Taking Things So Personally?

Why Emotional Intelligence and Responsibility Matter at Work

At StartHuman, we believe that creating more human workplaces starts with leaders and teams learning to stay present in discomfort—and to take responsibility for their experience instead of offloading it on others.

In my last post, I explored why I’ve eliminated “I’m triggered” from my vocabulary—and why I encourage others to do the same. The goal isn’t to bypass emotion, but to own it. To take radical responsibility for our nervous systems, especially when they light up in conflict.

This post is a real-life moment where I got to practice that.

The words hit me hard.

“I don’t think you’re authentic.”

Oof. My whole system reacted.

At the time, I did what many of us do—I pulled back. Minimized contact. Created space. It was protective.

I brought it to my Lean In group—an amazing circle of wise, grounded women. I shared the story, probably still with a bit of charge. One of them gently asked, “What would it look like to lean into vulnerability here?”

Which was funny, in that not-so-funny kind of way—because I had just finished The Daring Way certification with Dr. Brené Brown. I knew this work. I had the tools. But it’s one thing to teach it, and another thing entirely to live it.

So, I chose discomfort.

I reached out. Scheduled time to talk. I let her know those words landed hard. I named the stories I had made up about her and about myself.

And what she said back was so human:
She wasn’t trying to hurt me. Her words came from her own pain—spoken from a place of fear and threat in her system.

Not personal. Just protective.

That conversation didn’t just repair things—it made our connection stronger. Because we were both willing to stay in the conversation. To own our experience. To see each other as human.

Here’s the thing:

A lot of people would hear a comment like that, armor up, and stay armored up.
They’d rally the troops, retell the story to justify the pain, or just write the other person off.

It makes sense—we’ve all been taught to protect ourselves.

But what if we didn’t have to protect?
What if we could pause and say:

“This hurts. And there’s something for me to learn here.”

What if we saw the moment as an opportunity to grow—together?

Looking back, that’s exactly what unfolded.
It wasn’t about blame or right vs. wrong.
It was two humans, two nervous systems, trying to stay safe.

But we leaned in.
We listened.
We learned.
And we came out stronger on the other side.

Why This Matters at Work

When we don’t know how to work with our nervous systems—when we don't understand our own reactivity—we end up making things personal that aren’t.

And that costs us. Big time!

• Creativity gets stifled.

• Psychological safety tanks.

• Time gets eaten up by side conversations and meetings after the meeting.

• We miss the moment for real connection.

This is why emotional intelligence and responsibility can’t just be buzzwords.
They have to be embodied practices.
Not just individual skills—but cultural competencies.

Here’s What That Looks Like:

1. Know Your Signals
Our bodies are always talking to us. Your system will give you a heads-up that it’s feeling unsafe—tight shoulders, a clench in the gut, heat in the face, the urge to shut down or push back.

Learn your cues. They’re smoke signals.

2. Own Your System
Reactivity is information. It’s yours.
Yes, the other person may have said this or that. But what it brings up in you—that’s the gold. That’s the invitation to get curious.

To be honest. Maybe even to heal.

3. Get Better at Discomfort
Most of us weren’t taught how to sit with awkwardness, tension, or vulnerability.
So we project that discomfort onto others and expect them to manage it.

But presence in the discomfort? That’s where the power is.

4. Reveal, Don’t Conceal
Skillful revealing changes everything.
It’s not about blaming or dumping emotion. It’s about naming what’s real.
Using “I” statements. Naming facts, feelings, thoughts, and needs.

That kind of honest humility builds bridges.

Let’s Talk About Intimacy

Yes, even at work.

Not romantic intimacy—relational intimacy. Into-me-see.

The kind of connection where people are known.
Where we stop pretending and start relating.

To be in relationship—whether at home or in the hallway at work—is to be willing to be seen.
And to take responsibility for our own system without making others responsible for managing it.

That’s leadership.
That’s culture change.
That’s what it means to StartHuman.

And Also—It’s Okay to Take Time

None of this is about rushing past pain or forcing brave conversations before we’re ready.

After I heard those words, I needed time. I pulled back. My system needed space.

And, when I noticed the experience was staying in my body. That’s what told me I wasn’t done. That was my invitation to seek support.

Seeking support helped me be with the experience in a new and different way.
Not everything needs to be right now.

But when we stay awake to our systems, we’ll know when it’s time.

Let’s End Here, For Now

What if we stopped taking things so personally and started getting more personal with ourselves?

That’s where the real change begins.

Reflection Questions for Your Own Practice:

• What do you notice in your body when something feels “personal” at work?

• What’s one signal your system gives you that you’re not okay?

• When’s the last time you revealed instead of concealed—and what shifted because of it?

• Who or what helps you stay grounded when your system is activated?

• Where might you be invited to lean in, rather than armor up?