Most people would agree that gossip isn’t good, but have accepted it as a normal part of being human.

Some would even say it’s harmful and unproductive.

The challenge is those same people are playing a role in maintaining gossip by either participating, or at least not doing anything to stop it. 

While some may be fully aware of what they’re doing and why, most people don’t know or understand the role they’re playing when it comes to gossip.

The more I’ve learned about trust, vulnerability, and human connection, the more I’ve come to understand gossip – what it is, why it happens, the impact it has, and how to stop it.

In this article, we’ll unpack all that stuff. Let’s start at the beginning.

What is gossip?

My definition of gossip comes from Brené Brown and the Conscious Leadership Group.

Gossip is any statement that involves speaking indirectly about someone with the intention to cause harm, or any statement about a person the speaker would be unwilling to share if that person were present. 

Gossip goes deeper than just what we say -- it includes how we say it. Sometimes, we make a big show of talking about someone but when we go to repeat it, we downplay what was said. Unless you’re willing to repeat exactly what you said in the exact same way, consider it gossip.

Most people know when they’re gossiping. If you’re ever in doubt, ask yourself these questions:

• Are you saying something about someone that you wouldn’t say to them directly?

• If someone repeated what you said, would you feel guilty or ashamed?

• If you did repeat what you said to the person you said it about, would you change your tone of voice or the words you used?

If the answer is yes, you are gossiping. 

Examples of gossip behaviors:

• Sharing information or stories that aren’t yours to share

• Repeating information that you aren’t 100% sure is true or accurate

• Discussing issues about other people with no intention of addressing the issue with the people involved

The Fine Line: Venting vs Asking for Help

Oftentimes, gossip is disguised as venting.

But did you know that there’s a healthy and an unhealthy way to vent?

Unhealthy venting (gossip) involves talking about someone else without working to improve the situation. This type of interaction doesn’t get us anything new and keeps us stuck in a vicious cycle.

Healthy venting is focused on a personal experience and aims to solve a problem.

• For example, if someone says, “I’m struggling with a coworker. When he said this, I felt bad. I’m not sure how to navigate that. Do you have any ideas?” they are asking for help. 

It’s ok to discuss someone’s bad behavior as long as the focus is on your experience and your intention is to address the problem.

Why does gossip happen?

People engage in gossip because they lack the skills necessary to carry out better behaviors. Let’s address each scenario.

People use gossip to make connections with other people. 

Imagine you’re with a coworker you don’t know very well. You don’t know what their interests are, and you don’t know what to talk about. But you do know they sit by Linda.

So, you say “That Linda sure has smelly feet.” Your coworker agrees and starts telling you a story about how awful it is when she takes her shoes off. 

• Your intention of making a connection is genuine, but the impact can be harmful and doesn't actually accomplish your goal. 

In this scenario, you lack the ability to share about yourself and/or to ask questions to learn about your coworker. By working on forming authentic connections through sharing and being curious, you avoid gossip and make genuine connections instead.

People use gossip to avoid vulnerability. 

Gossip is an easy way to avoid vulnerability. Instead of giving someone feedback, setting a boundary, or asking for something we need/want, we gossip. 

• Gossip has a sneaky way of tricking the mind into thinking that we’re solving our problem when we’re not. 

This illustrates a lack of ability to have tough conversations. Instead of having a direct, honest, and respectful conversation with someone, we complain about them to other people. 

This happens because gossiping is often more comfortable than dealing with the uncertainty, emotional exposure, and risk of having a difficult conversation.

People use gossip because they lack emotional intelligence. 

Self awareness and the ability to regulate one’s emotions is a skill that needs to be developed over time. 

• If someone is angry or frustrated and doesn’t know what steps to take (or just doesn't want to take those steps), gossip can be a way to discharge their negative energy. 

People exhibiting this behavior often say that they are “just venting,” but as we discussed above, there’a a difference between venting and asking for help.

Someone who lacks the emotional intelligence to recognize and regulate their negative emotions often resorts to harmful and unproductive gossiping. 

What’s the impact of gossip?

Well, it’s not good…

If we use gossip to create connections… we create a perception that we have a relationship that we don’t actually have. While the immediate connection may feel good, a relationship built through gossip is not actually a genuine connection.

If we use gossip to avoid vulnerability… we miss the opportunity to give feedback, set a boundary, or ask for something that we need. This behavior allows whatever problem we’re facing to get worse.

If we use gossip to make up for a lack of emotional intelligence… we stunt our own growth, feed our dissatisfaction, and close the door to learning.

At the end of the day, the biggest problem with gossip is that it erodes trust, undermines connection, and fosters a toxic workplace culture. 

How do we eliminate gossip?

Here are five practices to help eliminate gossip in the workplace:

1. Create a shared agreement and commitment to eliminate gossip

In order to create a shared agreement, we first must create a shared definition. 

• Guide your team through defining gossip and come up with a definition everyone agrees on. Then, discuss examples of what gossip is and isn’t. 

Once you have a shared definition, ask if people are willing to commit to ending gossip on your team or in your organization.

2. Teach people what to do instead of gossip

When I started training my dog, Guinness, the trainer was clear: If you’re going to take something away that he shouldn’t have, make sure to give him something he can have. 

Basically, he was telling me to exchange my shoe for a chew toy.

The same concept applies to gossip.

When we “take gossip away,” we need to replace it with something else.

Alternatives include:

• Asking questions and finding shared interests

• Giving feedback

• Asking for what we need/want

• Setting a boundary (what’s okay and not okay)

• Sitting with the discomfort of vulnerability

• Getting support

Getting rid of a harmful emotional outlet only works if you replace it with a healthy one.

3. Provide ongoing feedback, direction, and support 

Continuing the dog training example from above, when I saw Guinness with a chew toy instead of something he shouldn’t have, it was important to celebrate success and say “yes!” or “good!” 

When he chose the vacuum cord, I took a deep breath, said “no” and gave him a chew toy.

• Behavior rarely changes overnight. 

• New habits take time.

• You can support your team by offering praise when they’re on track and redirection when they’re off track. 

Because gossip behavior is often rooted in other issues, your people might need additional tools, resources, and guidance to make the transition. 

Make sure your team knows where they can find the additional support they need to make the transition.

4. Model behaviors and address your failures immediately

Whether we like it or not, leaders set the stage. 

What we ask of others we must be willing to do ourselves.

It is not uncommon to see leaders who proclaim a zero tolerance policy for gossip, but lack the self awareness to recognize when they themselves are engaging in it. These leaders tend to become defensive when their behavior is pointed out.

Making an agreement and not upholding it, quickly erodes trust among your team and makes your people less likely to adapt future policies you put in place. 

If you do screw up, own it, and demonstrate how to apologize and move forward. 

• Leaders have to go first by modeling ideal behaviors, admitting when they screw up and making amends quickly.
  

5. Help others be accountable

When you hear gossip, here are a few things you can do:

If someone is expressing negative emotions about something someone has done or not done, ask if they’re willing to have a conversation with that person. It might be an opportunity for feedback, to make a request, or to set a boundary.

If someone is sharing information about someone else that isn’t theirs to share, ask them to clarify their intentions for sharing.

If you find yourself engaged in gossip behavior, you can always make light of the situation and use your shared agreement to say something like “we’re totally gossiping… let’s talk about ourselves instead! What are you doing this weekend?”

• Don’t simply reprimand gossip and walk away. Instead, get curious, ask for reflection, and provide alternatives.  

Conclusion: Why workplace gossip happens and 5 things to do instead.

People gossip in order to make connections with others, avoid vulnerability, or because they lack emotional intelligence. While it may feel ok, or even good, in the moment, gossip erodes trust and undermines connections.

Eliminating gossip is a tall order, but doing so will radically improve the quality of relationships in your workplace as well as productivity, trust, and connection.

In order to eliminate gossip, we need to:

• Define gossip as a team and commit to getting rid of it

• Learn what behaviors to engage in instead of gossiping 

• Understand that changes don’t happen overnight and need ongoing feedback and support

• Be the change we want to see by not gossiping 

• Addressing gossip behavior when we see it
  

Give these practices a go and let us know what’s working, what’s not working, and what challenges arise. 

Has gossip become a problem in your workplace? Are you ready to stop the gossip and replace it with productive behaviors? Schedule a time to chat with us about how we can help.